The history of my relationships is an extensive one. Not that I would actually consider any of them real relationships.
I’ve always been a romantic. I guess those Jane Austen novels and cheesy romcoms got to me. They made me believe that one day I’d encounter the love of my life through a chance meeting, he’d chase me, we’d get over some complication, and then finally end up together five-ever. The chance-meeting, would involve some romantic location in Europe (like the Trevi Fountain) and the love of my life would be some sexy European guy with an accent that would get my lady parts all hot and bothered.
So I went through guy after guy after guy, in hopes that he’d be the one.
I guess to others it seemed like I had low standards, and I just liked dating guys for the hell of it. They must’ve thought I just fell in love easy, and fell out of love just as easy.
But the fact of the matter was that my philosophy in love is that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Yes, there needs to be an initial spark of attraction between the potential lover and yourself, but real dates, and real conversations, need to happen before you can decide whether or not they’re the right fit.
So I always gave these guys a chance. I dated them for a few weeks, maybe a few months. And contrary to what others thought, I was actually extremely picky in terms of ideal qualities “my guy” should have. So I told guy after guy that I was simply too busy to commit to a relationship (if you ever hear this, know that it’s a lie. If you really like someone, you’ll find time to fit them in your life).
After years of not being able to find the perfect guy, and inventing what was formerly known as the “Valentine’s Day Curse” (I always just happened to be single on Valentines day), I began to question whether or not there was just something wrong with me.
It made sense. I’ve never looked in the mirror and thought “you’re beautiful” or “you’re pretty”. In fact, I’ve always been a tad uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror (especially, naked). Growing up, people always said my sister was the pretty one. My parents commented a lot about my weight. So I went from not caring about my appearance, to beating myself up constantly. I became obsessed with my weight, lost weight, and developed a whole bunch of unhealthy eating habits. To this day, I still let my self worth be tied to the approval of others, and to numbers on a scale.
Anyway, I began to see a pattern with all the guys I dated. I’d like them initially because I found them at least mildly attractive. We’d date, I’d find a whole bunch of flaws about them, it’d become increasingly like a chore to see them, and eventually I’d stop seeing them.
So I thought, maybe it’s because I’m so insecure, I always doubt anyone would actually like me once they got to know the real me. That’s why I push people away when they get too close, and I leave people before they can leave me.
Well, the moral of this very long babble is, that I was wrong- well, partially. Yes, I was insecure, but those guys just really weren’t right for me.
How do I know that? Because I’ve now been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for 16 months. He’s so right for me that I don’t have to feel uncomfortable in my own skin around him.
There are times when my insecurities creep in and I start arguments with him over the things that are making me insecure, but he’s never let me cave in to my insecurities. He always finds a way to make me see just how silly I’m being.
My point is, is that if you’re like me, going through endless guys and beginning to wonder if there’s anything wrong with you, there isn’t. Being yourself is the most wonderful, and comfortable thing to be.
So don’t settle for the guy who only wants you when you’re in that uncomfortably tight dress and sky high heels because the guy who loves you, in that unflattering hoodie and trackies, is out there. You know, the guy who you’ll have endlessly long conversations with. The one you’d rather spend Friday nights at home with. And the one who’ll laugh with you at your crappy jokes.
When you find him, don’t drag up those insecurities from the past, because the past is where they should stay. The only thing they’ll be good for is destroying your relationship.